I Wasn’t Tolkien to You: The Fellowship of the Sports

Matt Hoover

The two most important things in my life this week have both shaped this post. Firstly, it’s the end of the semester, so I have exams and papers and what not, so I’m not going to do anything too long or detailed. Secondly, the first installment of The Hobbit trilogy comes out on Friday, and I have been waiting for this for a very long time. So in honor of The Hobbit’s release, we’re going to take a brief trip to Middle Earth today. I’m going to play the role of Elrond and choose a company of nine companions to set out from Rivendell with the perilous task of destroying the One Ring. Instead of choosing hobbits, dwarves, elves, and wizards, though, I’m going to choose sports figures. I’ll briefly explain why I chose whom I did. So, without further adieu, here is my Sports Fellowship of the Ring:

Balrogs and Bronx Bombers beware. He's coming for you.

• Usain Bolt as Frodo. You think orcs or Nazgul are gonna be able to catch up with this motherfucker? Didn’t think so. He’ll have no problem getting the Ring to Mordor.

• Rudy Ruettiger as Sam. They’re already vaguely connected characters in movies whose fans like it way out of proportionately to how good the movie objectively is. Plus it would be hot if he and Rosie Cotton got together.

• Buck Showalter as Gandalf. The embodiment of all that is good. Relentlessly pursuing his goal of dismantling the evil powers that reside in the (AL) East.

I would shit myself if this SOB
attacked me with an axe.

• Aaron Rodgers as Aragorn. I don’t have an elaborate explanation for this one. It just feels right. They’re both bearded, traditional heroes from the North. I don’t know if there is anyone else I’d rather have leading my company. He is Brett Favre’s heir, not Brett Favre himself.

• J.J. Redick as Legolas. I almost went with Clay Matthews because of his hair, but I figured one Packer was enough. Hopefully J.J.’s deadly accuracy shooting a basketball translates into deadly accuracy shooting an arrow. They’ve also probably both been mistaken for having a vagina at multiple points in their lives.

• James Harden as Gimli. Mainly because of the spectacular beard. But seriously, is there anyone else you’d be more scared of if they were screaming at the top of their lungs angrily running at you full speed with an axe in hand?

As I've always said, Dick Vitale
would look best with three arrows
painfully lodged in his body.

• Dick Vitale as Boromir. No one likes him, but he’s the first significant person to die. We’ll let the Uruk-hai take care of our Dickie V problem. Also, he needs to hop off Gondor's/Notre Dame's/Duke's/North Carolina's jock.

• Rory McIlroy as Merry. There’s definitely something hobbitesque about Rory. He has the hair. Also, both Rory and Merry end in y. That’s all I got.

• Brian Wilson as Pippin. He already has a knack for providing slightly annoying comedic relief, so why not? After all, you need people of intelligence on this sort of mission… quest… thing.

BONUS ROUND: VILLIANS

• Ben Roethlisberger as Gollum: They’ve both probably raped someone at some point. They also have a similar IQ. I hope I didn’t offend Gollum too much with that last statement.

• John Calipari as Sauron: Pure evil. He pays a tremendous amount of money to rally Easterlings, Southrons, and high school seniors to his cause.

So there you have it, folks. I’d love to hear any suggestions to improve my fellowship that you might have in the comments. Good luck on exams, college readers. And don’t forget to see The Hobbit this weekend!

One more... Just thought of this one...

• Manti Te'o as Treebeard