Green Jacket Racket: Five Masters Predictions

Matt Hoover 

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! It’s been a long time since anyone (especially me) posted here on Out of Our League, but as is the case with many people our age, Derek and I have a lot going on and usually spend about half of our day sleeping. Also, neither of us could fend the girls that want us away with a stick at this point; after all, we write a blog, for God’s sake. But yes. Between homework, naps, and way too much college basketball for a month-long period, I’ve been sort of busy, but I have not forgotten about you, people. Did you miss me? I certainly missed you!

Speaking of naps, golf. Thursday marks the beginning of what is probably in my top 3 favorite sporting events of the year, the epic, gut-wrenching, heart breaking, four-day-long affair known simply as the Masters. I would imagine many of you dismiss golf as the most boring of all televised sports and are slightly disappointed that I chose to write about it here. So before we get to the Masters, I feel the need to briefly defend golf…

Yes. It’s true that golf may not feature the airel excitement of football, the high-speed collisions of hockey, the rivalries begat by baseball, or the sheer entertainment value of basketball. It’s rather easy to dose off after watching golf for a half hour or so. But therein lies its beauty. Its slow pace doesn’t produce the same intense levels of fandom that a football game produces, but its mellow nature allows for a stress free viewing experience 95% of the time. You can have a meaningful conversation while watching golf. You can cook a meal while watching golf. You can read a book while watching golf. Golf is unique in this sense.

Rory McIlroy is one of several golfers playing well at the
moment. Will he bring home his first green jacket this year?!
(If you think about it, its a little bit fucked up that I'm asking
you this. You read this blog to get answers, damn it! You
should be the one asking me questions! Speaking of which,
maybe a mailbag feature would be a good thing to get
started with in the near future. Stay tuned!)

All that being said, golf still provides just as much drama and as many memorable moments as any other sport. Last year’s Masters was one of the greatest sporting events of my lifetime. It had it all. Recapping the entire thing would take way too long, so all I will say is this: Bubba Watson’s recovery stroke on the second playoff hole is just as good, if not better, than any other individual play in sports since I have been watching sports. It’s hard to imagine a more high-pressure situation than being buried 40 yards in the woods at a playoff at Augusta. The hook on that shot was cartoonish. It was a fitting ending to the most exciting four days of golf that I have ever seen.

This year’s Masters has the potential to be just as good as last year’s. A number of golfers are playing good golf at the moment, and this weekend’s tournament promises to feature another close finish. But what should you know heading into the weekend?! Great questions! Here are five Masters predictions that will almost certainly come true!

1. We will hear the name “Tiger” more than the names of all other golfers combined, tripled. This one is so easy it’s almost cheating. I seriously might as well predict that the grass will be green this weekend. Tiger is being hyped up tremendously heading into the weekend. He’s apparently playing the best golf that he has in a couple years at the moment. Since he’s the only golfer that the sports media at large gives two shits about to begin with, rest assured, we will all be getting Tiger-raped this weekend. I would be surprised if a single one of his strokes goes untelevised even if/when he is completely out of contention. It sickens me how the media perceives Tiger as bigger than the game that made him. Also, in spite of what ESPN is trying to tell me, I’ll believe he’s back when he wins a major.
2. Sorry, Bobbie Thomas, but the biggest loser of the weekend will be fashion. A little known fact about young golfer Rickie Fowler: Ray Charles is his fashion consultant. Seriously, this guy makes the recently-coroneted 2013 NCAAM champion Louisville Cardinals and their fellow victims of some high Adidas employee’s terrible idea look as fashion-conscious as Ashley DeNote for Christ’s sake. And Bubba Watson’s white pants don’t exactly help the fashion fiasco that is professional golf. Personally, I respond to the inevitable horrible fashion by choosing my favorite golfers based primarily on what they are wearing that day. So depending on my mood, I either really love Rickie and Bubba or really hate Rickie and Bubba. Speaking of Bubba…



Completely off-topic, but congratulations to the
winner of the first annual OoOL Bracket Challenge
and Hawk for life, Tim Higgins! Keep your eye
on your mailbox, Tim. Your prize pack
will show up at some point.

3. Bubba Watson won’t have a good weekend. Only 2 players have repeated as Masters champions in the last 45ish years, and no one has ever won the Masters after riding a hovercraft. Overall, the signs don’t point towards a repeat for Bubba. Look elsewhere to find your champion. Speaking of left-handed former Masters champions…
4. Phil Mickelson will do something absolutely spectacular that skyrockets him into contention and follow up by doing something so unfathomably stupid that he plummets even more quickly than he rose. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he goes birdie, birdie, eagle around Amen Corner on Sunday and then 4 putts on 14 or something. NCAAM Champion Rick Pitino liked to say that Louisville point guard Peyton Siva, “wins you the game and loses you the game in the same game.” As little sense as this makes on paper, it sort of made sense when you watched Siva play over his 13 year career at Louisville. If this is sort of true for Siva if you think about it, it is gospel truth for Phil Mickelson. Lefty is way by far the single most consistently balls-out, reckless person in American professional sports. Like, it’s not even remotely close. In reality, he is no smarter or stupider than he always is. It’s just sometimes his absurd risks pay off and sometimes they don’t. For this reason, Phil might be the single most entertaining (and single most frustrating) golfer to watch. He always seems to play well at Augusta, so I for one will be keeping an eye on him.
5. Guan Tianlang, the 14-year-old Chinese dude, won’t break 80. Yeah, there’s a 14-year-old Chinese dude in the Masters this year. I guess he found some spare time to practice golf a little bit in between doing math homework and playing the cello. I would love to see young Guan do well, but I can’t see it happening. And by, “I would love to see young Guan do well,” I actually meant, “I will lose what little shred of self-confidence that I have managed to retain over the years of not being good at anything as some 14-year-old kid does well at the Masters.” So it’s a lose-lose for my happiness, but what else is new? Have a great weekend!