Jay Cutler: Role Model

Derek DeNote

Unquestionably Jay Cutler's
greatest accomplishment.

First off, let’s all give this man credit for bagging Kristin Cavallari, the heartthrob of every middle school and high school dude from 2004 until 2007. I’m fairly confident that every guy falls in that category unless you fell into the LC heartthrob category, which isn’t bad company, but I never fell for her whole shtick about being about less drama. Like, c’mon, LC. We all know you wanted Stephen. I guess by now you have figured out that I used to watch Laguna Beach and that I’m not entirely embarrassed by it. I mean, come on. When you have an opening song as fire as Hilary Duff’s Come Clean, you know the show cannot disappoint. Also, for the few (few) female readers I have, did you know that there was a third season narrated by a Tessa Keller? Yeah, me neither. By that point I was too cool sporting my Hollister tees and cool ass (no) hair flip to local school dances. (Looking back at things I would not have liked my 8^th grade self one bit) Well, all I can say is thank God that I’ve moved onto to college and I’m no longer a complete douche!

Unquestionably Hoov's greatest asset.

Okay, now back to the love story that every guy dreams of. The year is 2005. Jay Cutler’s draft status is climbing at a rate that is only comparable to the recent skyrocketing popularity of Clarks (yes, the shoes Hoov sports on a daily basis). Eventually, draft day comes and Cutler goes 11^th to the Broncos, only a spot behind golden-boy, Matt Leinart, who foolishly went back to school just to lose millions of dollars and lose to Texas in the National Title Game. This video, though awful quality, should make you think “Wow, remember when Texas football was relevant?! And goddamn, NCAA Football ’06 was the best video game ever with an unbelievable soundtrack.” So, as Cutler was moving up draft boards, Kristin Cavallari was replacing LC as the narrator and officially moving her way into everyone’s hearts.

LC was alright, too.

Fast forward about 7 years and Cutler has a decent career, consistently having seasons that always look promising midseason only to collapse faster than the Stock Market on Black Tuesday (funny how his seasons have the complete opposite trajectory of his draft stock). I think I always had a bitter taste in my mouth about Cutler because he was picked significantly higher than Brady Quinn, who came out the next year and almost slipped out of the first round, even though Quinn had a much better college career. But, this story… Cutler’s constantly outplaying Quinn makes it obvious that Cutler was definitely worth the 11th overall pick.  His draft stock rising makes more sense if you look at the other underwhelming QB’s that came out that year. But, nonetheless a story just broke about Cutler proposing marriage via text (surprised Manti’s story didn’t go a little something like that….too soon?) and as a guy, you’re joking yourself if you don’t think this is awesome. If, she says no, you’re not near her, so you can easily break up with not having to deal with the water works…and if she says yes, you have a story that makes you the absolute man. Cutler then proceeds to mail the ring… yeah he’s the man. Now, if he can only have success on the field like he has with straight dimes, the Bears should be in for a great season. Also, since I flash forwarded, I’m gonna flash back right now and say that if someone told Jay Cutler in 2000 (when he signed his National Letter of Intent to play for Vanderbilt) that he would wind up marrying the most coveted girl from 2004-2007 he’d probably be the most ecstatic kid in Lincoln City, Indiana… and in America.