Bo’s Woes: The Futility of Wisconsin Basketball

Matt Hoover

There aren’t many absolute certainties in life. Most people try to assert that there are only two: death and taxes. I’ve discovered a few more in my time here on Earth, though. Nicholas Cage being in horrible movies, idiots enjoying Nicholas Cage’s horrible movies douchey college kids refusing to wear shoes unless absolutely necessary, and Kim Kardashian getting a buttload (pun intended) of likes on Instagram all seem like reasonably good candidates for the third spot on the traditional list of certainties in life. As a college basketball junkie, I’m able to think of a few more; Duke having at least two white people on the court at any given time, Rick Pitino getting his teams to play defense (and fornicating in restaurant bathrooms), John Calipari cheating, and Michigan State being underrated come tournament time are all pretty safe bets. But none of the aforementioned things, not even death and taxes, are as consistently true in the world as the college basketball universal Truth that transcends space and time: the Wisconsin Badgers annual late-March exit from the NCAA Tournament some time after the round of 64 but before the Final Four.

It's understandable that this picture
of Kim got a "buttload" of likes.

Ah, yes. Wisconsin basketball. A program that has always been plagued by futility. A program that has a grand total of one national championship to show for their 114 year history. Yes 1941 was a good year in Wisconsin. Since then, they have been a waste of space. In the last twenty years or so, they have become a true tournament staple. Every year on Selection Sunday, their name is announced (usually as about a 4 seed), and every year on Selection Sunday, Wisconsin begins a new road to its inevitable and eventual exit from the NCAA Tournament before its final two-day stint. It’s like clockwork, and it’s (surprise!!) getting on my nerves.

“But Matt,” some of you are probably saying, “There are lots of teams that, historically, are pretty safe bets to make a mid tournament exit in March. How come you’re not angry with Xavier or Gonzaga or whoever the third best team in the ACC is this year?” To you, I have to things to say. Firstly, stop interrupting me. I’m trying to write a God damn opinion piece over here. And secondly, I’m singling out Wisconsin for a few reasons. Wisconsin somehow seems to have gained a reputation as a model program because of their consistent play, and Bo Ryan is as household a name as any coach in college basketball. Wisconsin is also in the Big 10, a conference that perpetually produces overrated teams (for example, take any team in the conference and given year except most Michigan State teams and some Ohio State and Indiana teams), and has become the face of this overratedness. Wisconsin is unique.

College basketball, maybe more than any other sport, is defined by its postseason. I am of the opinion that the NCAA Tournament is the single greatest event in all of sports. The phrase “March Madness” is perfect. Year in and year out, college basketball provides us with stunning upsets, unexpected heroes, and all the buzzer beaters we can ask for. I absolutely love every single game second of it no matter what. Even if, hypothetically, 15 seeded Lehigh were to upset my primary rooting interest or if my least-favorite person in all of sports was to coach a seemingly unstoppable group of mega-talented freshmen past two coaches that I have tremendous respect for in the Final Four and claim the title of champion for his own, cheating self (again, we’re talking strictly hypotheticals here…), I would find it impossible to deny that I love March Madness. It is out of this love that my disdain for Wisconsin basketball was wrought. We have all given them chance and chance again to do something memorable in March, and they respond to each chance by losing in the Sweet Sixteen, give or take a round. It’s not that this isn’t an accomplishment; there’s something to be said for consistency. It’s just boring. Like, Bo-Ryan-offense-level boring. I know exactly what they are going to do in the tournament every single year, so what’s the point of them being in it? I propose that we ban Wisconsin from the NCAA Tournament forever and make room for more intriguing teams. It’s not for my sake that I want to do this; it’s for the sake of the tournament. Let’s keep it as awesome as we all know it can be. Wisconsin does nothing but detract from the tournament’s enjoyability factor year in and year out.

Here we see a confused Bo Ryan.
He's probably confused because he
has no idea how to win big in March.

I suppose I’m secretly happy that Bo and his program is falling out of favor with the mainstream sports media a little bit. I think that awareness that Wisconsin basketball is stupid is good for my crusade. In all fairness, though, Bo Ryan has to be doing something right. He gets talented players while recruiting against the likes of Tom Izzo, Tom Crean, Thad Motta, and Buzz Williams. His team wins big games fairly consistently in the regular season. He just can’t get over the hump that he needs to get over in order to be a great coach. If Wisconsin basketball ever wants to have a March to be proud of, then Bo is just not their guy.

I hope that Bo and his boys prove me wrong. I hope that Wisconsin wins a national championship this year, and I can shut up forever about them being a waste of space in the tournament. I want the NCAA Tournament to become even more exciting than it already is, and I can’t think of a better way to do that than by adding another consistently brilliant tournament team. Unfortunately, though, at least for the time being, I don’t think any of my hopes for Wisconsin or for the tournament are particularly likely to be realized. So for now, I am going to print out a blank bracket, take out my permanent marker, write “Wisconsin (4)” on one of the lines, and have them win two games. That will be about as thrilling as it sounds and about as thrilling as Wisconsin’s run in March will be.