February Madness: The Sportsman’s Guide to the 2013 Grammy Awards

Matt Hoover

Every year when mid-February rolls around, it’s safe to bet that three things will happen. Firstly, in spite of the obscene amount of supplements that I take daily (or else usually daily), I will definitely have a cold. It’s a decent time of year to get a cold, though, if you think about it. It gives me a good excuse not to do anything. The only things that I have done in the last 24 hours are read things for school and watch basketball. I even watched most of an NBA game Friday night (a rare occurrence). Generally, I enjoy lifestyles (such as the one that I have described) that don’t require me to get off of my couch. Secondly, college basketball will be in full swing. If I tried to list all of the exciting things that happened in the last few weeks, we’d both be here for days. If you don’t watch college basketball’s regular season, you’re insane. Do yourself a favor and start tuning in. I promise you, it’s awesome. Finally, the Grammys are right around the corner! For those of you who don’t have enough time to check out all of the nominees before Sunday night, I’ve assembled this handy little guide to help you understand the Album of the Year nominees. In honor of this year’s February Madness (I should get that trademarked quickly), I’m going to compare each of the nominated artists/albums to a college basketball team! Let us begin:

Artist: The Black Keys

Album: El Camino

Team: Butler Bulldogs

The Black Keys put on one of the better live shows I've
ever seen. Will Butler put on a show in March, or does
my co-blogger have "a love that keeps [him] waiting?"

It’s a small miracle that the Black Keys have become as popular as they have. They would make much more sense in the early 1970s. They’re a literal rock band that’s having commercial success in the 2010s. Similarly, it’s a small miracle that Butler basketball is on the map. After coaching two consecutive teams to the championship game in 2010 and 2011, Brad Stevens’ boys are back again in 2013. This year’s Butler team (and El Camino) is probably the most talented (loaded) team (album) that Stevens (the Black Keys) has (have) had (released) so far. The Black Keys and Butler are both legitimate contenders (though by no means favorites) for the Grammy/NCAA title, respectively. They’re both could have their moment soon.

Artist: Frank Ocean

Album: Channel Orange

Team: Michigan Wolverines

Sorry, Frank Ocean. I'm just not that into you. But just
ask the Wolverines. That doesn't mean you can't win.

Channel Orange has been hailed by many-a-critic as the greatest debut album this side of Is This It. Likewise, Michigan has been the pundit’s flavor of the week for the last 2 or 3 weeks (although that will probably change after their loss to Wisconsin on Saturday). Despite the fact that I acknowledge that both are objectively good, I refuse to buy into either of these hypes. There is a severe lack of memorable songs on Channel Orange like there is a severe lack of effective interior play. Frank Ocean and Michigan’s backcourt are both filled with talent but lack structure. Michigan has a chance to make a fairly deep run in March, but I can’t see them cutting down the nets in Atlanta. Frank Ocean, on the other hand, has a great chance at having a huge night Sunday.

Artist: Fun

Album: Some Nights

Team: Kansas Jayhawks

                   

This picture came up when I googled "fun." I guess this is
them. I'm assuming Ray Charles dressed the guy on the right.

Everyone agrees that Ben McLemore is one of the best players in the country. Likewise, everyone agrees that “Some Nights” and “We Are Young” are, at the very least, catchy, catchy songs. (Admittedly, “We Are Young” made me want to kill someone by the time I heard it the 900^th time. Also “Carry On” isn’t really that good.) The best player/song on Kansas/Some Nights, though, has somehow managed to fly under the radar. Jeff Withey might be the best big man in the country, and “Intro” has quietly been one of the most compelling songs released in the last year. The name of Fun’s album is Some Nights, but Sunday isn’t going to be their night. If they win best album, I’ll do a backflip. Kansas still has a little time to get their shit together after dropping their last three games. No backflip promises about Kansas. Finally, Fun and the Jayhawks are both dumb, dumb names.

Artist: Jack White

Album: Blunderbuss

Team: North Carolina Tar Heels

Sean May and Jack White peaked around the same time.

Sadly for music and for college basketball, both Jack White and the Tar Heels have seen better days. Jack’s White Stripes were arguably the best guitar driven act of the 00s just like UNC was arguably the premier basketball team of the 00s. This year’s Tar Heel squad has sort of fallen off the map after a slow start but is playing fairly well in the conference. Blunderbuss, Mr. White’s first proper solo album, is alright but pales in comparison to early 00s monster albums White Blood Cells and Elephant. I wouldn’t be surprised if either Blunderbuss or the Heels make a late push, though. Still, it’s probably not either of their years.

Artist: Mumford & Sons

Album: Babel

Team: a combination of the Cincinnati Bearcats and Kentucky Wildcats circa March 2012

The main reason I put this picture here is to use it as a thumbnail
when I post the link to this post on Facebook.  I bet some of you
are only here because you saw this picture on Facebook. You
disgust me, you God damn Mumford sheeples.

It was doubtful that anyone had the capacity to stop Kentucky’s march through March last year. Similarly, I have doubts that anyone will be able to stop Munford & Sons from winning this award. Both Kentucky’s triumph and Babel’s all-but-inevitable triumph make me incredibly angry. The Calipari-ization of college basketball is as bad for college basketball as the Mumford-ization of music if for music. Mumford writes catchy songs, but they do it for the sake of being famous and not for the sake of producing good music. There’s no heart. For that reason, they sort of remind me of this year’s (or any year’s) Cincinnati team. The Bearcats are just a bunch of thugs running around. They don’t have plays; they just run around. Mumford reflects the same sentiment in their relentless piling of bombast on to their songs and their cringe-worthy, “deep” lyrics. No one really cares about Cincinnati basketball or my opinion, though, and Mumford will probably have a Kentucky-esque night on Sunday.

I’d offer you some Grammy predictions, but I’m notoriously bad at picking Grammys. I’m much better at picking Oscars, though, so be on the lookout for my Oscar picks in a month and a half or whenever they are. In the meantime, enjoy the show Sunday night and enjoy this utterly baffling season of college hoops. I’m excited for March.